i realise that i suck at self control
i suck at following the things that i tell myself i sld do....
and i hate it.
i hate to feel this way towards her.
its unfair.... and i noe, i tell myself time and time again,
that all along in the entire episode, she din do anything...
and i shudden and could not even feel an ounce of dislike towards her...
but why? y isit that my replies are short,
and everytime i see her nick and all, i feel v scared,
i am afraid that somehow, she comes along and tell me the news
and i have to stand there and smile and sae congrats....
i am very scared that i cannot do it....
yet i tell myself that if it happens,
i must feel truly happy for her, for them...
i tell myself that nth sld change the frenship.
nth sld spoil the frenship....
but i am so so afraid.... tat any wrong move will destroy it all.....
i dun want to make things turn out ugly
i haven told a single soul abt wat has happened or wat i tink is going to happen...
becoz, it makes me feel like a pathetic soul....
i duno. i am juz so torn, so torn btw u and the evil me....
i want to be truly happy abt all this, i realli do....
but y isit that everytime things head a little closer to that wae,
i feel so uncomfortable, i feel so disheartened,
i feel nth but true happiness....
i juz wanna escape..
i juz wanna hide...
but sch's starting... how long more can i hide?
someone said on the show tat in ur love for someone, there is neva smth called enuff...
u tell urself tat i will juz be contented if he sms me everynite....
but if he does tat, u start to want more, and everytime ur r/s takes one step closer,
u tell urself tat u want more.... but how much more can it get?
if it was neva meant to be in the 1st place?
sometimes, u want to stop... but u juz cant...
sometimes, u want it to start, but it neva happens...
Queen Tona @ 11:38 PM
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Friday, December 23, 2005
tis the seaon to be jolly~~~
haha so for tat, i shall post one pic from last sat.
i gathered tat it sld be enuff to make u all lauff
all the wae to 2006.
haha and off coz, i muz drag everyone in with me rite!
=P
k now. u can laugh.
and the costume looks good but is not good.
i swear off tubes in future....
Queen Tona @ 11:50 AM
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Tuesday, December 20, 2005
its saddening how the greed for money leads ppl to do stupid things...
and wat a wonderful display of creative accounting manz.
so now we noe, we contribute 10% to the ppl who really needs it and
90% to make the rich even richer....
stupid.
tis entire issue makes me disgusted.
let's juz hope i dun hafta deal with any of such ethics in future...
having to be the middle of dealin with outright manipulation of figures
juz to make everything looks more attractive.
sigh....
wat a complicated world it is....
Queen Tona @ 12:01 PM
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last nite i prayed tat god will send me an angel....
to help me get thru this....
becoz i dun even noe how to deal with this in the 1st place..
can i juz break down and cry now?
is it time yet?
or are there many more obstacles to come along?
but i guess....
its it....
i duno how to go out there and face everyone...
maybe all along, everything was wrong....
rite from the very day we met....
i promise myself today is the last time i will cry for u....
becoz, no amt of tears will get u back...
or rather, u were neva mine to begin with...
i have tried.... my very best....
but i guess effort doesnt mean anything....
becoz.... she din even need to do anything....
Queen Tona @ 12:28 AM
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Monday, December 19, 2005
Results time!
AA201 disclosure B-
AA202 decision making B+
AA305A taxation B-
AC213 info sys B
omg. u duno how thankful i am tat i dun hafta touch tax anymore.
becoz i realli duno much abt tax. up till now
and i am juz so glad tat the monstrous sem is gone...
its been a tough sem....
havin battled with slight depression fr the workload...
now i look back, its damn gross....
the amt of stuff we had to do....
juz glad to haf gone thru it peacefully...
i dun even wanna hafta repeat the cycle again.
now.... its gettin ready for a new sem ahead....
maybe this can be considered as a shift up e higher level...
no longer at the most bottom...
shrugs.
i am fine.... after yest...
sometimes... its good to put myself in other's shoes...
i noe u deserve more....
so dun worrie.... if its meant to be this wae....
juz go ahead...
i can learn to deal with it.....
Queen Tona @ 2:08 PM
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ok. just like wat i told myself.
neva to sink in deeper.
i am not going to feel sad abt wat happened.
i haf told myself upteen times tat i shudden give a damn.
and i noe, i realli dun wanna give much of a damn.
i dun wanna complicate things up....
i duno how to deal with u and her.
i know, and i am picturing for the worst....
if only i realli know how to deal wif the situation if it happens...
can i not smile anymore....
in front of wat i saw.....
i duno how to react....
i dun wanna question certain things.
becoz i noe sum things juz happen.
but at least, let me know the way to get the things i wan....
i thot i was already at the rock bottom.
maybe there is even worse things coming along,
i wish i was too high from the red wine i drank...
i wish i was imagining things...
i wish i din see/hear wat happened....
i wish....
i wish i can be truly happy if it happens....
i am telling myself to....
if it really does....
becoz maybe things are juz meant to be this wae....
but at least....
let me be on the higher end of the path this time....
becoz, it sucks to be forever at the bottom...
becoz, those who are high up can neva understand wats it like....
can i juz leave.....
can i juz make certain changes...
can i have juz one wish....
to make my life a happier one....
Queen Tona @ 12:07 AM
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Friday, December 16, 2005
hey!
tml's the day for this
and also THIS!!!!! 5566 concert!!! WOHOO
and i am so excited coz someone is going to get the
concert pictures for me!!!!! WOHOO.
and we are breathin in the same air now!
omg!!!
today was so happy tat i can watch my 9pm show!!!
but Jianyi sucks.
such a fickle minded guy.
if i am yoyo i will slap him ten times!!!
and the endin sucks too.
it sld be xiao qian and yoyo fall in love
den kick tat stupid jian yi aside.
muahhahahahahahahahahahz
and i have been worrying for my results....
which will be out i aso duno WHEN.
some mystery date....
i dun wanna retake tax!!!!
i swear i will be more hardworking nex sem!!!
juz let me pass!!!
=\
Queen Tona @ 10:25 PM
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Thursday, December 15, 2005
sometimes i reach the peak,
sometimes i hit rock bottom.
i try not to see/hear certain things tat i dun wan to.
but tats only decepting myself.
no matter wat,
i sld be happy.
becoz if its not me, its u.
if its not u, its him....
if its too tough to carry on,
maybe its time to take a step back,
and choose another path altogether....
Queen Tona @ 12:16 AM
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Sunday, December 11, 2005
maybe now, i dun realli wanna change my fone.....
sigh.
juz let me believe for one more time.....
maybe
Queen Tona @ 11:41 PM
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Friday, December 09, 2005
yawn.
juz reach home not long ago.
super super duper tired.
my legs are literally BREAKING
try walkin from tanjong pagar to bugis
and den having 2.5hrs of dance prac.
u will either have very nice legs or no legs at all.
BAHZ.
today dance prac was finally quite productive.
and we were trying out the diff hair-dos.
costume aso decided haha.
this yr we shall go princess-style.
aka black tube and shiny dark purple skirt plus black shoes.
hair not confirm but muz prob tie half and e bottom will be like
xr's previous hair, which is equals curls.
i seriously wonder wat i look with curls muhahahaz.
nvm, soon we will noe.
tats it la.
i noe i still needa do sum quiz fr xr.
but wait till i have a more clear mind haha.
everytime i tell myself not to take ur words too seriously
becoz i noe u juz seem to treat everyone juz so nicely
but y isit tat everytime u hafta do this to me.
i rather u not do anything,
but dun get things started and leave me hanging there...
i am determined that this time, i shall be smart.
but i juz hope tat u wun makes things so difficult...
sometimes i tink u noe, sometimes ur actions makes me tink otherwise.
its a complicated riddle, ur sudden coldness and den ur over-caringness..
i tell myself not to give a damn,
and yes, i am telling myself once again.
not to give a damn.
so pls, please help to make things easier for me.....
Queen Tona @ 12:18 AM
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Sunday, December 04, 2005
lala.
its been a bz day.
and my voice is back.
muahahahz.
behind time till e max.
we haven even reach the parts of how to stand,
when to move and all that rubbish.
and we are never going to have everyone turn up at the practice...
=(
and den the guys have already dance their own dance
till they dun wanna dance liao.
quite irritated and kan cheong.
wateverz.
and i duno y,
i have quite a bad feeling abt tax results suddenly
hahaz. crazee. if i hafta "packet" den tats too bad.
double =(
ok i tink i am not making much sense
Queen Tona @ 11:59 PM
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great.
i lost my voice today.
punishment for laughin too much.....
this sux!!!!!!!!!! ROAR
Queen Tona @ 11:11 AM
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haha,
i tink i have lauff so much today
it can last me for the entire week.
hahaz
Queen Tona @ 12:17 AM
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Saturday, December 03, 2005
yawnz morning.
i am being poisoned by full hse.
so yeah, pardon me if i have been a bit ecentric.
hahaz. rain is sucha farni guy in the show.
very childish till the ultimate.
daMN farni!!!
haha, den when he finally get the things he want.
he will give a very very cheeky smile.
something like this but a more farni one.
hahaz its realli damn farni lahz,
realli can pengz tat kind.
haha of coz. i muz sae again.
he has sucha great body,
oh gawd.
k off i go.
bz day ahead.
oh yah, we finally manage to get all the ppl for dance!
thanks to weber's sis.
hahaz.
tataz
Queen Tona @ 10:27 AM
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